Friday, December 4, 2009

My Father. My Late Father.

Actually, i've already wrote about this previously in my other blog. but something disturbed my mind and made me missing ayah all over again.. til it made me cry..

maybe i'll break the news in my blog luah rasa later.

I'm a daughter of a retired teacher. My mom has been a single parent since Dec2003.. a week after i've started working. My dad left when i was starting to repay all his investment spent to raise me up. i only managed to give him very few gifts b4 he left me for good. I remember making a hand-made card for his 44th birthday. it was in 1997, when i was so homesick staying in a boarding school.. I remember posted a ceramic+aromatherapy nite lamp for his birthday during my campus life, but the lamp was broken during postage. Ayah glued it back. I felt bad about it, so I bought a set of wallet & belt (tak ingat brand ape, tp masa tu SALE kat JJ ayer keroh) for father's day - besday ayah & father's day was just a month gap. This time, I gave him by-hand during balik ujung minggu.. there, I saw ayah sat on the sofa, took his old wallet (which was still in a good condition) and transfer all his cards & cash etc into the new one.. he also tried his new belt and left the old set at the sofa. quietly, i took his old wallet and kept it. saje je time tu.. saje to keep something that belongs to him..

Nearing the end of the semester, i received RM800 for our books allowance thru out the 4.5years of studies (better late then takde langsung kan). I called mama telling that i gonna be back to KL in the afternoon, take both of them to buy something and return to the campus in the evening. I bought an expensive kain-ela for mama (at least for me la at that moment), colored hijau gelap/lumut.. then, silently, me & mama chose a kemeja batik john master for ayah. also dark green, sedondon la ngan mama.. then, we went for lunch at one of the fast food kat Jln TAR. all on me.. i was so proud and satisfied at myself. On the way to Bas stand Pudu, mama happily belek2 her kain-ela while ayah was a bit 'toya' mebi thinking there's nothing for him kot (hehe..) then, i took-out the shirt i bought & he was smiling. thank you..

Few months later, i've completed my studies at MM*U. i stayed at home 24-7 for a few weeks b4 i've started to work part time at my aunts shop. since i was already staying back in our home, slowly i've noticed that ayah werent very well. since so long b4. mama neva told me that they went everywhere to cure ayah.. ayah even warded without me knowing about it. mebi because we were stil studying. I remember watching ayah was so weak & bed ridding for quite some time. but i dunt know wat to do, or wat can i do? i just prayed that ayah will get well soon so that later when i've started working, I can treat mama & ayah for dinner once a while.

It was hari raya in Dec2003. ayah was stil able to walk a few steps and beraye with everybody. but he booked a resort at melaka for our family to stay, in the 3rd day of raya! I bought him a casual short sleeve green shirt as we are going for holiday.. i tought of buying a fancier shirt but i dunt have the budget. stil, the one I bought was another john master.. or, maybe just a piere cardin? erh.. i dunt remember. I also bought a sort-of like shoe bag (beg yg tegak tu) for him to keep his medicine, wallet & cellular (sbb masa raya tu he put everything in a plastic bag & carry around masa kitorang pegi beraya). Holiday at mlk wasnt very fun as we hardly went anyway sbb ayah tak larat. He was just lay on bed, watching us playing, eating etc.

Few weeks later, things couldnt be any better. My siblings & I did few things that ayah dislikes, but he hasnt had the strength to punish us. But i remember he said, dont you guys think i didnt knew what u did.. but we didnt really care.. i guess :-(

16th Dec 2003, my 1st day to report duty at T*M. mama drove to sent me to the office. Ayah was sleeping at the passenger seat. Mama said perut ayah sebu. he need to feel the rocking in car to ease it. In the afternoon, mama said ayah is in UH. I went there every afternoon & evening for the whole week. I just wondered when will ayah get better and discharged from the hospital so that I wont have to go there anymore. But he seems so weak.. I tried to tell him about my new environment in the new office, but he didnt wanna listen. too tired perhaps. On friday afternoon, i went to the hospital as alwaiz. I saw ayah awake but sgt tak bermaya. mama tgh suap ayah makan buat pear.. then, i returned to the office. that nite, ayah tak sedarkan diri after being bius (i think). many of ayah & mama's siblings & families came to see ayah. we even brought along a few pillows & comforter to sleep outside ayah's room.. mama didnt sleep thru out the nite.. mama waked us up for subuh prayers. around 7am, all my siblings sat around ayah as we saw his heart beat had starter to drop.. one-by-one.. it was so heart wrenching to witness the moment.. it was extremely unimaginable feeling of sadness that i had ever felt in my whole life..

We ride on kereta jenazah to ayah's family's house.. He was wearing the green shirt I bought in his final day on earth... but my uncles have to cut it as they afraid it might hurt ayah if they tried to bend his hands in order to take off the shirt.. After ayah's funeral, we went home. My heart was absolutely empty. Unloading all his belonging brought from the hospital, I was devastated. I was hoping to return home with ayah, alive. But it didnt happen. Seeing his "shoe bag" without him, i cried..

I neva stop crying. I envy other ppl who still have fathers who are stil alive & kicking.. I also envy older ppl who are much older than ayah, but stil enjoying life with family, children & grandchilds.. but bukan la bererti aku tak redha. A fren told me once, "Bukannya makna kita sedey tu kita tak redha dgn takdir Tuhan. Tapi mmg satu perasaan yg dicampakkan oleh Tuhan dalam hati kiter sbg hambaNya. Yang terbaik sekali di kalangan mereka ialah yg dapat mengambil faedah dari kesedihan itu utk bangkit..dan bangkit dan bangkit. Hidup mesti terus.."

Mama used to say that I was ayah's favourite. jambu ayah. I dunno if mama said the same to other siblings.. but i'm sure, if ayah is still around, cik kak surely wud be him latest jambu & favourite! poor my babies, didnt get the chances to feel the warmth of atuk's love.

Now, I only have my mother. There were so many things i've planned b4 i've started working dulu.. Too bad ayah is not around anymore to be apart of my plans anymore. That is why I alwaiz put my mom as my priority.. i only have her to give everything i cud. I can only fulfill her needs while she is still around.. I just hope other ppl will realize this, and do the same like I do.. This is why I alwaiz cry when I think of ayah.. Mebi I should recite more yassin for him.. I shud do this.

I love writing about ayah. It helps me to remember as much as i could about him.. yet, i neva fail to cry each time i'm blogging about my forever missed ayah.

I miss you so very much.

"Ya Allah, ampunkan segala dosa ayah dan tempatkan dia dikalangan orang2 yang diredhai-Mu. Ameen.


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